#some of their fb friends were not so supportive in fact a few acted as if she was making big mistake or she shouldnt be reversing her course

[harmcityherald]

[blacklight-ghoulette]

alright so i'm seriously in the dark, what happened?

it'll be easiest for me to quote the reddit posts I read on it.

Going under a cut due to length so I don't kill anyone with a wall of text.

From u/awkwardtiefling:

"For those who make it to this thread first, a summary:

Per(lead guitar aka Fire/Dew) is connected in some way with a model named Paris. Paris supported Trump and has posted culturally insensitive content in the past, i.e. a bellydancer looking costume tagged as "g*psy" amongst other typically associated ones, and posted a photo on Thanksgiving while wearing a stereotypical Halloween store style Native American costume, war bonnet included.

They were also upset that she had a weird phase with King Tut and were unhappy that she was "sexualizing a child." He died at 19 so that's not really the issue. Just seemed like a weird and ultimately harmless phase.

From there, they assumed they may have been dating and got very, very upset. She's in a long term relationship with Don McLean of American Pie fame and I believe he's also in a relationship with someone as well? But they've dug through old photos to jump to conclusions and presumably harassed Per off IG with shitty messages, which is unfortunate because now he's being called childish for completely stepping away and removing himself from the issue. Paris is still being hounded as being racist and dangerous(because she supported Trump and obviously hates all LGBTQ+ people).

He's going to care more for her even if she's not squeaky clean than what some deranged kiddos on Twitter think about her. Sucks for him and the rest of the group, though. I have no doubt they'd start pestering the rest them about this.

edit:

Since I know they're poking around Reddit, it's one thing to point out the issues with a person and it's another entirely to harass someone off the internet because of who they're associated with. Some of you certainly did just that and need to accept that some of you needled him into reacting the way he did. Per is likely fully aware and just happens to be able to overlook Paris's past for who she is now.

As far as Paris goes, she probably isn't going to take any of your concerns into consideration. Nobody reacts well to being bombarded and she's just going to dig her heels in and ignore you the more you do it. If she's ever truly regretful for what she did, she'll apologize when she's ready or has a PR person badger her into it."

From u/SchoolfGhoul:

"Pword stand for Per. It's the real name of the lead guitar ghoul. Twitter folk seem to have a real issue with just using his name. They were complaining about the fact that apparently he doesn't like being called 'Dewdrop' and were making a real drama out of thinking like the fandom had upset him or something. The guitarist is a 40 year old man who probably doesn't give 2 shits about some nickname some fans made. However clearly he does take issue with all the drama and vilification that's being going about over who he chooses to be friends with. It's all really stupid and thanks to a few idiotic, immature teenagers who can't deal with someone else spending time with a guy who they have some obsession with, Per shut down his Instagram. I don't blame him really. The man has had a successful career since the late 90s as a Death Metal musician where he could play guitar without being harrassed on social media. I enjoy speaking to the Swedish Death Metal community group on FB. It's where all the cool fans and musicians hang out."

From u/ya_boi_jayy:

"It's a load of horse shit, I'm sure at this point you already know what's going on but I'm adding on to the story. I was added to a Ghost group chat a while ago for some reason. Here are some things they've said about Per.

"manz is a grown ass adult acting like he's 12"

"He woke up and chose emo😭"

"like babe, you are not the main character. don't get me wrong, i love per but.. ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE FOR SOME 😺"

"yeah he posted some edgy lyrics in his story and deleted his account an hour after"

"Per bestie I loved u sm, all this for some 😺😺? HDNDB"

"man he was so desperate to get his 🍆💦"

"they have matching bracelets?? they're in sweden together? they're definitely sleeping together"

"he deleted his Instagram last time when he got caught cheating on his ex fiancé, he is definitely sleeping with her"

This is such bullshit, people can't mind their own business. It's fucked up. For some reason they hate him now meanwhile yesterday they were all like "omg he's so cute i love him sm 🥺🥺🥺" PLUS they're all saying that they're the mature ones.

Here's what Per posted on his story before deleting it.

"Just cause you don't understand what's going on. Don't mean it don't make no sense. And just 'cause you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good. And let me tell you something. Before you go taking a walk in my world. You better take a look at the real world. Cause this ain't no Mister Roger's Neighborhood. Can you Say "Feel like shit"? Yeah, maybe sometimes I do feel like shit ain't happy 'bout it but I'd rather feel like shit than be full of shit. And if I offended you. Oh, I'm sorry but maybe you need to be offended. But here's my apology and one more thing, FUCK YOU!""

So, yeah. All this shit.

[willow-salix]

This is going to be out of the blue and there's no need for a response to it, but I guess I feel like some of you deserve to get a peek behind my armour.

Facebook just gave me a memory from 7 years ago, showing me an album that I'd rather not see quite honestly, but you know when you're just drawn in even though you know it's against your better judgement? Yep, that was me just now.

The album is full of screenshots of the absolute shit ton of crap that I've had on the Internet over the years.

I was in the RP world for ten years, and in that time I was verbally and mentally attacked a lot, I was mentally abused, I was stalked, I was blamed for things I never did, I was used as a scapegoat for things I never did. I was the victim of unwarranted attacks that had my accounts deleted by fb so that I lost YEARS of writing.

I got my heart broken over and over again by people that claimed tk be my friends, people that claimed to love me but that were all too happy to dump me the second a better option came along. People that I sat up all night with, that I lost sleep over, that I went out of my way to help and support.

Some of them lied to me so throughly that they lied about who they were, where they lived, their job, their gender, their nationality, what other characters /accounts they had and everything else you could think of for over TWO years.

I've had one that claimed to be my best friend, sit on my couch, my actual couch, in my house and lie to my face. Lie to me and his long term partner and mother of his three kids that he wasnt cheating with a cheap bitch he met online (the third person he'd done it with I found out after) I only found out about her when she messaged me to tell me.

I stopped talking to him, after their friends started a smear campaign against me, and even then EVEN THEN, I talked it out and started talking to him again. But he turned it around and started blaming me and guilt tripping me again. So I cut him off. He stalked me. Like messaging my friend, posting things to me (actual letters through the mail) making new accounts to message me, buying new phone sims to call me. This was 6 years ago. He called me at the start of lockdown and left a message on my voicemail.

This man mentally abused me. He'd force me to talk to him when I had a problem and then he'd not like what I said, so he'd go silent and ignore me for up to three days, to the point that I'd worked myself up so much that I was apologising, that I was taking the blame for having feelings, only when he got that would he talk to me.

He was an alcoholic who worked in care if you can believe that, I supported him through him getting sober again, he still did all that to me.

I gave up on role play and let my character, my home, the one place I felt comfortable and safe, up. And I didn't go back for two years. I got talked around by someone, they made promises, I stupidly fell for it.

I then got used to bring their character back and to help them sort out storylines. I was then told they didn't want to work with me anymore because they had too much going on in their personal life, they blocked me and I then got screenshots that that had another writing partner already.

That broke me. That broke me and fandom and people and everything really.

I vowed never to go back.

Then I stumbled upon you lot. And I told myself not to get involved, not to start talking to anyone, not to start trusting again. Now look! Now bloody look!

I'm what... 500k + in a story that was never meant to be, I'm actually writing and collabing with people again and I have a character that I adore and feel just as comfortable with... And that is fucking scary.

It's sooooo scary. Like terrifying scary to me.

Because I'm having to trust again. Selene is like public property now, and I love how much everyone has accepted and adopted her and how they use her and write her too, that warms this cold, dead, suspicious heart of mine.

Because I can honestly say that Selene and John saved me and my sanity.

I am quite a sociable person, I love to chat to people and if I'm your friend I will go out of my way to do my best for you, to be there for you and to support you in every way I can. But I know I can be used and I dotn always see the bad in people. So I cut myself off and refused to allow myself to make friends again.

I was writing my novels and that was it. No interaction, no fun really. Then this loud mouthed witch blazed into my head, took one look at the spaceman and said "that one, he's mine, wrap him up I'll take him to go" and here she is.

They made writing fun again, they made it spontaneous and exciting, I suddenly had ideas again, people to talk to about the characters I love and it was hard. Because it was also good.

I had to trust the process, trust Selene.

But I'm also so wary. I'm wary that I'm gonna piss people off, that I'm going to annoy people with her and that people hate her. I know people don't like OCs' and I get major anxiety about that.

I've never had this amount of anxiety over stories before, never. Not my rp, not my novels, not the ones I did for class or competitions, nothing. This is singularly the most stressful writing I've ever done. Because these boys, they mean the world to me, they always have. They have always been my happy place since I was 5/6, they have always been my heart and home.

The problems I had in rp made me not like the books that I loved, the fandom I was in, because of peoples interpretations of the characters, the way they played them and the fact that they were so nasty to me. And I really really don't want that to happen here.

A few weeks ago I noticed that an account had bene set up that was clearly a piss take of me, of this account. And all the old fears and anxiety came rushing back. I instantly went running to Squiddy and Olliepig and basically tumbled around the group chat in a mess for a few minutes before I calmed down and realised what was going on and had a guess at who it could be.

But it's scary. Because I've been stalked, I've been badmouthed, I've had people make fake accounts of me to cause trouble, and it weighs on me.

Willow Salix is my author name, I had to choose that because my Pagan name (which I was writing under and still do on ff and a03) was too well known and my stalkers were reporting it every time I made a new account.

I had to come to love this name, come to see it as myself (willow is my actual real name btw) and feel comfortable with it. It's taken a long time, I've built my brand from it. I have five novels out under it. And to think of someone having an account with even a parody of that name gave me all sorts of chills.

I'm OK now, but yeah. Fun times.

So I guess... I just want people to talk to me. And I don't mean shine by ego lol, I mean that if I ever do anything to piss you off. If I ever say anything you don't like. If I ever annoy you with Selene or anything at all, PLEASE just come and talk to me.

I might put on a tough mask, and in general I am pretty hardy, but I'm a typical cancerian, hard outer shell, squishy inside.

Selene is my sanity in a home life that is far from easy, I won't go into major details but disabled husband, I'm a full time carer, he's majorly depressed and it's just... Yeah. Anyway, she's my refuge, she's my escape right now.

Actually making a side blog for her took so much guts, to allow her free rein to speak and act is scary as heck for me. Because I've been there and vowed to never go back.

The only good thing I took out of all my years of rp, apart from being able to make up a story pretty much on the spot, spontaneous replies, dialogue skills and character development, is my best friend in all the world @endellionaeternus who has seen it all and stuck by me through it all.

I have no real idea why I just typed all this, I guess I needed people to see where I'm coming from, and why Selene exists.

Yeah...

[siryouarebeingmocked]

As you might expect from my last post about chismositx, or just basic familiarity with these kinds of posts, this outrage bait is all a pack of lies. The crowd attacked a guy with a gun, who tried to run away, and the crowd chased him and kept trying to attack him.

The only evidence Kyle is a ‘white supremacist’? He was supposedly part of a white supremacist facebook group.

callmebambi13:

The full events in case you’re wondering:

Kyle Rittenhouse-Lewis is 17.

He had his mother drive him across state lines with his AR-15 to the protests where he openly brandishes it, frequently with his finger on the trigger.

It is illegal for a minor to open carry in Wisconsin.

Rittenhouse-Lewis has absolutely no ties to Kenosha (family, friends, property, business), and stayed out past the city mandated curfew. He was there as part of a ‘civilian militia’

Within a group of protestors, some or many break some car windows, so Rittenhouse-Lewis approached and confronted the group with his AR-15.

He antagonized them, so a few started chasing him away and shouting, “Get out of here.”

Rittenhouse-Lewis sprints away from them (which is where a lot of clips of the livestreams will pick up from, especially those claiming self defense), and someone from the crowd throws a flaming bottle near him.

Rittenhouse-Lewis immediately turns and starts firing, shooting one person in the head.

Numerous eyewitnesses on the scene as well as hundreds of people who happened to be watching livestreams confirm he was not acting in self defense

Rittenhouse-Lewis goes to the body, then gets on his cell phone and runs from the scene.

As the victim dies, unarmed protesters start chasing Kyle down and yelling, “Stop him! He shot someone!”

They tackle him, and in the scuffle Rittenhouse-Lewis shoots one man in the chest, killing him, and another in the arm (taking a massive chunk out of it).

Rittenhouse-Lewis is able to leave the scene and go back home.

Cops are captured on multiple livestreams standing by and doing nothing to stop him at any time.

Footage surfaces of cops thanking militia members including Kyle during the evening, giving them water, and hanging out with them. No one IDs the young members.

Livestreams and videos of militia members after the shooting saying that cops told them in advance they would be “funneling protestors” towards the militia because “you guys can handle them.”

The fb militia group posts indicate it’s likely a white supremacists group, and has multiple cops posting on it. (Sites have been taken down by FB “due to investigation” but there are screenshots)

Source: chismositx

Funny how “the full events” is a tad...inaccurate.

Just off the top of my head, I like how you conveniently miss the part where the guy shot in the arm had a gun out and was trying to point it at Rittenhouse. 

Also, even members of "white supremacist militias", 17 or no, illegal gun or no, have the right to self-defense, especially when folks have been killed by looters and rioters, and it's laughably hypocritical for you to complain about a kid with an illegal gun in order to support, y'know, rioters. 

"Hundreds of people" are wrong all the time. Watching a livestream makes them more prone to miss things, because it's a lot easier to miss details in the moment. 

This bit is completely irrelevant to a supposedly factual account of events. It’s just a lot people’s opinions. A desperate attempt to patch up a giant, gaping crack in your argument.

And you’re too much of a coward to use the term "molotov cocktail", because that would imply "weaponry". And you imply it was thrown near Kyle, therefore it wasn’t a “real” attack.

Even if they were aiming at the ground, they were still attacking him with deadly force while he was trying to retreat. 

I thought BLM cared about people getting attacked in the back - in fact, the Kenosha protests are over precisely that - but suddenly it’s nothing to worry about?

Oh, and I like how the alleged facebook group is relevant, but not the fact that the dead guys were a convicted pedo and a domestic abuser. In other words, men with a history of violence.

Also, if you tackle someone with a gun who is trying to leave, it’s reasonable to think the tackler wants to take your gun and possibly shoot you. You’re effectively arguing these folks didn’t have the sense of self-preservation God gave a goose, but it’s all Kyle’s fault somehow. 

You actually made your side look worse.

I’d bet money bambi doesn’t even know the definition of “brandishing”, it’s just a buzzword she’s repeating from other NPCs.

 ive been screaming in rage and sick to my stomach as my hometown burns people are calling this homegrown terrorist a hero sounds about white kyle rittenhouse kyle Rittenhouse-Lewis civilian militia is code for white supremacist group black lives matter blm protests kenosha

Ah. There it is. Apparently everyone other than white people is physically incapable of forming a milita, somehow. Totally an objective and factual thing to say and not biased at all, from someone who is so upset they’re literally screaming.

Snark aside, why bring up your ‘hometown burning’ while supporting the movement that’s doing the burning? And demonizing innocent people who try to prevent it?

hominishostilis:

This is so funny, now Rittenhouse is a “White supremacist” - gotta fluff the narrative, even if it’s a lie!! - and the convicted criminal who had a history of kidnapping and beating women is a “hero” because he tried to beat the kid to death after his pedophile buddy got domed while trying to throw molotovs at the business Rittenhouse was protecting.

That’s right, Anthony Huber was a convicted woman beating piece of shit but I’m sure he was such a sweet guy.

These fucking twats will glorify a piece of shit who was out rioting and try to damn a kid who was just doing his best to protect someone’s livelihood, and had spent the day cleaning up and administering first aid to people.

Oh oh oh, but if you shoot violent arsonists you’re suddenly “doing violence” to the poor widdle “””protesters”””, you should just let them burn your shit down or else you’re a racist :(

Anyway, OP blocked me, so I can only link to other posts on the matter.

https://cursedcupcakeconnoisseur.tumblr.com/post/627665788424306688/hominishostilis-chismositx-82620-kenosha

Including the one that indicated Kyle isn’t even white.

Huh. Just like Zimmerman.

[daisy-loves-sh]

Gay subtext in Lady Blue

Starsky & Hutch: Lady Blue

Season 1, Ep 10

Okay, can we talk about the fact that Hutch appears to be romancing Starsky in this ep where Starsky is mourning his dead ex-girlfriend?

I swear I’m not making this up.

As evidence, I present these two scenes:

1) The guys are in the morgue hallway and Starsky is feeling down. Hutch offers him coffee but Starsky waves it away. Then Hutch puts his hand over Starsky’s hand and says “Oh, Starsk” in THAT way. Starsky replies, “It’s alright” and puts his hand over Hutch’s. And then it looks like PMG starts to laugh just before the scene cuts, but I digress.

2) The tag. You know, the one where Hutch lights candles and cooks Starsky’s favorite meal that he got from his mother-in-law Starsky’s mom. CANDLES!

Now, an episode in which Starsky is mourning his dead ex-girlfriend doesn’t exactly seem like the best time for Hutch to try to seduce him, but that seems to be exactly what Hutch is doing. And it IS a good way to hide the gay subtext, because who would suspect it in this ep?

Now, you could argue that the hand-holding and “Oh, Starsk” is just Hutch being really supportive and that he has no romantic feelings whatsoever. Sure, that could be. The scene is totally gay, though, if I can be honest.

But if we put the lovey-dovey morgue scene together with the tag (or even just the tag by itself), you can most definitely see that Hutch is trying to romance his partner.

Let’s dissect the lovely tag, shall we?

Hutch has called Starsky’s mom to get his favorite recipe, cooks it and invites Starsky over for dinner, tries to get Starsky to look at the sunset (for which Starsky has zero interest), and sets a romantic candlelit table. Totally not gay, right? (I’m being sarcastic, btw, it’s totally gay). And he doesn’t just light some candles that are already on the table. He brings them over from near the window where he’s watching the sunset and then lights them.

But when Starsky inquires about the candles by asking “Who are the candles for? Expecting someone?,” Hutch answers “Yeah, that’s why we’re eating early,” while totally avoiding looking at his partner and trying to act nonchalant.

Starsky, for his part, seems disappointed by this (but in a non-romantic way, I think) and asks “What time am I leaving?” to which Hutch deflects by lifting the cover on the Paul Muni special. So he never answers the question. Because Starsky isn’t going to be leaving early.

Also, this is going slightly off-topic, but I have the same exact speckled-black roasting pan as Hutch. I find this very exciting because I have been a Hutch girl since I was a kid, and I’m not the one who bought the roasting pan, my hubby did.

Now, you might be thinking, what’s gay about Hutch having a girl over later and serving an early dinner to Starsky? And apparently he really WAS serving it early or Starsky would have pointed out that it wasn’t early. And the sun is just setting, although we don’t know what time of year it’s supposed to be. But the ep aired in mid-November and sunset in Los Angeles Bay City would have been around 4:45pm, so that IS pretty early to eat dinner.

So does that mean there really was a girl coming over later for a booty call with Hutch? NO! IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT! It means that Hutch was embarrassed that Starsky didn’t pick up on his cues and so he made up the story about the girl. Because why the F would Hutch be lighting candles during his dinner with Starsky if he was planning on having a romantic time with a girl LATER THAT EVENING? The candles would be burned out by then and I doubt he was planning on having a second dinner with this fictional girlfriend or that he and the girl would be anywhere near the kitchen table. The candles are totally for Starsky.

Confused? Still wondering why Hutch serves dinner early, if there is no girl coming over later?

Did you figure it out yet? No? Then scroll down for the answer…….

…...

……

……

It’s because Hutch wanted Starsky to come over early so they could watch the sunset together.

Think about it. It’s the first thing Hutch mentions at the beginning of the tag. Why would a grown man want another grown man to look at a sunset with him? Do platonic heterosexual men-friends normally do that sort of thing?

No, I’m pretty sure they do not.

And also, Hutch doesn’t just casually mention the sunset in an offhand way. He talks about it for a while, and even mentions how it has the colors of the rainbow: “Blue, gold, red, purple.” As in, the gay rainbow. Now, I know that the rainbow wasn’t used as a symbol of gay pride until 1978, and this ep is from 1975, but still, rainbows were used by marginalized groups in the 70s, including in California, including by the gay community. And there’s the whole Judy Garland “Somewhere over the rainbow” queer icon thing. We had a discussion about this on FB a few months ago.

Regardless, even if the rainbow wasn’t intended as a gay reference, you still have a scene with a man talking about rainbows and sunsets with another man while serving him a romantic candlelit dinner.

So yeah, Hutch totally tries to seduce Starsky but Starsky is clueless. That doesn’t mean that Starsky doesn’t also pine for Hutch in his own way. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. But he’s not in the right mindset in this episode because Did I mention that he’s still mourning the brutal murder of his ex-girlfriend? And yes, it’s totally weird and uncomfortable when Hutch mentions Helen in the tag.

But they had to have two levels of what’s going on in this scene so the gay stuff wouldn’t be too obvious.

So we have the surface text (two straight guys who like women having dinner together) and then we have the subtext (all the gay romantic stuff plus the bonus “Starsky is Jewish” Paul Muni reference).

And men who like women can’t possibly be gay or bi, can they?

So the subtext is a man trying to romantically woo his best friend by talking about sunsets and rainbows, cooking him his favorite meal which he got from his friend’s mom, and setting a romantic candlelit table. And making up a story about a girl coming over in order to save face.

So the fans who were not inclined to see the characters in a romantic way would just watch the scene and think it was sweet and shippy, because the guys are such good platonic friends, and not really spend any time thinking about how platonic heterosexual men-friends don’t really do stuff like that.

But the fans who wanted to see the romance between the guys would see it.

And both types of fans would be happy and would argue with each other for the next 45 years about whether S&H were gay or just really really really good friends.

Except maybe for straight males who were just there for the car chases and shootouts and macho stuff. I really have no idea how those fans feel about this tag.

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

[streamworthytv]

“Ableism as Plot Device” in Netflix’s “Locke & Key”

So...as noted, I have a beef with Locke & Key, and the way certain characters were handled in the show (remember, this has nothing to do with the comic, which I haven’t seen...I have no idea if it’s fraught with the same problems).

I first watched the show as part of my Streamworthy TV venture (currently set up & being fleshed out on FB/IG/Twitter/Tumblr & Snapchat, with YouTube in progress...give me a follow, if you care to help someone AWESOME, that can’t work a traditional job...even part time). I myself am on the spectrum, and have mobility issues that require a chair often, due to EDS. So just putting it out there that people without these issues may not immediately have noticed the problems that I’ll be mentioning...but if you’ve seen the show, you’ll know what I’m talking about (you can also see my other, previous post on general crappiness, as well as LGBTQ issues, that are present in the show).

But this post will focus on ableism, and misrepresentation of neurodiversity and disability. (Please know that this is a PURPOSEFUL separation, as I don’t see my OWN Aspieness as a “disability,” but rather, an advantage. **I know that not all people may feel that way;** however, those of us that benefit from/appreciate the autistic aspects of ourselves ALSO have the right to not see autism as a “disability.” Autism is different for everyone, and thus it shouldn’t be forced into the box of “disability.” (Example: my hyperlexia from a young age served me VERY well with reading, writing papers, and test taking, for many, many years. But back to Locke & Key.)

The reason I brought up the above point was because, through the first season, L&K uses the “autism as disability only” angle, which many of us in the ASD community are used to seeing (and being annoyed by). And despite ZERO character development over the course of the series, I’ve seen “AUTISM AS PLOT DEVICE” employed THREE times, at LEAST. I was dragging through the show, annoyed at the portrayal and usage of the character, as well as a different character, who is wheelchair-using, and nonverbal. But suddenly the “realization of ableism” bolt hit me about the larger problems with the portrayals and usage of ASD here - and I got PISSED.

Maybe we have interests that may SEEM to others to “not be age appropriate” (...when, give me a break, how many NT adults/older teens love stories or movies from comics, or collect Funkos, or went hunting for Pokémon...? It’s NOT just us, y’all). Also, older kids CAN INDEED hang out with younger kids in a mentor-type way, without it being a situation of “welp, ASD = emotionally stunted, so character only hangs out with young child.” But those tropes aren’t enough.

We DON’T innocently extrapolate situations outside our head (in front of others!), ESPECIALLY if it breaks a safety rule we were told, i.e., “well, my mom said I’m not supposed to say if I’m home alone...but you’re a friend, so...no, she’s not here.” Before you tell me otherwise, keep this point in mind - if we have the ability to be home alone, SAFELY taking care of ourselves...then we wouldn’t slip like that. NOPE. If we DID, it wouldn’t BE safe for us to be home by ourselves.

As well, if we REALLY care about an item, we don’t let it go missing (the ASD character doesn’t, but someone else uses said character’s autism to blame for “needing to go looking for the toys he left behind, then got ‘upset’ about,” - also inferring a “meltdown” - every time she needs to go to someone’s else’s house). **If something is related to one of our SpIns (special interests), we DON’T MISPLACE THOSE ITEMS HAPHAZARDLY!!** I’ve been that way since I was a kid. Ugh!!! You also see someone destroy one of his treasured items, just to be cruel. This shows us how important the items are to the character...so he WOULDN’T be forgetting them.

So, we see a mother using tropes of her son’s autism, to manipulate herself into certain important areas/situations, more than once. That, and the fact that the character with ASD is able to let someone know they were home alone when a crime occurred (thus making the person that lives with them a suspect), because of their completely unrealistic, verbalized musing of “the ASD thought process”...mix it all in with the total lack of character development, and you come to the final conclusion:

“This character is only here as a plot device. They’ve been given zero character development, and have been shown JUST enough to ESTABLISH THAT THEY ARE NEURODIVERSE, and then are thereafter ONLY in ways that FURTHER THE PLOT...in ways that would only occur BECAUSE the character is neurodiverse.”

So yeah. This is lazy writing of the worst degree, and I’m more than a little annoyed. I’m sick and tired of “DISABILITY AS PROP OR PLOT DEVICE” (whether that disability is a assumed or not), as well as disabled or neurodiverse characters ONLY being shown as tropes. This does a disservice to not only the ASD community, but to society as a whole; people will expect us to act a certain way, and not be understanding of those that are “higher functioning” - for lack of a better term - than those that are portrayed on television. As well, it’s part of the reason why females with autism are still VASTLY under-diagnosed (as they can have VASTLY different presentation). Not only do people get used to seeing a particular suite of “symptoms,” which they equate to ALL people on the spectrum...but those shown in media are almost NEVER female.

I’m not sure if the comic is set up this way as well, and it’s just poorly executed on TV...but I’m peeved AF😡 There is also the poor acting/treatment of the wheelchair-using, institutionalized character, & how her being non-verbal is ALSO used to further the plot (yikes, my hands are shot...but I’ll get out what I can, here).

I’ve worked with MANY non-verbal children (it was actually my specialty, before physical & mental health issues of my own)...and I’ve also had my OWN bouts of being non-verbal, due to trauma/illness. On BOTH sides, I have always found a way to communicate. Even when my Dad was on a ventilator and life support (mostly for breathing/kidney function, due to sepsis...we sadly lost him a few weeks later), I was able to communicate with him...because, with my background, I saw that he was able to respond with the wiggling of a toe, or squeezing of a hand.

So the use of a non-verbal character that “can’t tell her important secrets,” as another necessary part of the plot, is just MORE lazy, insulting, ableist scriptwriting. The character is NOT catatonic, and is aware of what’s going on all around them; so, by what you see in all interactions with her, it makes you wonder what’s happening to her when she doesn’t have visitors. Is she just rolled into a back room, or off to the side, where no one gives her ANY adaptive equipment?

Any research would show that one with speech issues can build sentences with an eye-gaze machine, or even eye-gaze itself, with symbols. I’d like to think that in real life, a CENTER for those that are disabled, of all places(!!!), would have at least ONE of those machines, or some other means of communication, available.

This is another point that is sad for society at large to view, as it makes people think that they “shouldn’t bother with” people that are non-verbal, as there’s “no way” to let them be part of communication, besides the method used in the show (which I have used as well, but you would think this poor character would be getting SOME type help/services/etc!) It was just CRINGEWORTHY AF...I’m SO sick of shows/movies where someone needs to address someone thrown in the back of an institution alone, to rot (off the top of my head, I remember this from “Dark” on Netflix, as well as on “Orphan Black,” amongst others).

So...yea. I just wanted to post this, for if anyone asks for a link, or anyone stumbles across this, and themselves saw these issues, and got upset. Trust me - it wasn’t just you. This is a comic that was supposedly quite successful...the television adaptation of this could’ve been MUCH better. If there were tropes of other marginalized groups in the comic, you can be SURE that those would be righted for TV. But the ableist train keeping chugging right along, as more people than EVER claim to be “woke”🙄 YIKES.

[create-a-positive-mind]

My Experience in an Abusive Relationship

This isn’t something that we every really talk about. Most people don’t want to hear about it and the people who go through it don’t want to talk about it. 

But I think that it needs to be said. I don’t know why I picked now other than it was on my mind and I’ve recently talked about it to some people in my life since I recently moved back to my hometown temporarily. 

I’ve mentioned it in passing before, but I wanted to give actual details this time. And please know if you are in an abusive relationship, please feel free to reach out to me if you need it! You are not alone and I never want you to think you are!

This is a really long post, so I’ve added a ‘keep reading’ break.  

I was in it for a year. Not as long as some people sure, but it felt like a lifetime by the time I got out. He never got physical with me, it was all mental and emotional abuse. He showed the signs of future physical abuse though and when I look back on it now I know it was only a matter of time - in fact I found out later that he hit his next girlfriend. But I got out 10, almost 11 years ago and up until when I moved to the other side of the country (in 2015) he still tried to contact me regularly by phone, FB, or text or did little things to show that he was still watching. I can't even be sure if he's not still watching - even virtually - he randomly requested me on LinkedIn a couple months back in fact. The first contact since 2015, so I know he’s probably still occasionally watching. 

In some ways I lucked out. I was still in high school when I was with him so I didn't live with him and I didn't have to worry about trying to get out and find a place since I still lived at home with my parents. Because I was in high school I didn’t have to worry about being 100% isolated from everyone who could help me - but that doesn’t mean he didn’t isolate me, he did. He was still around - though not at school because he was 6 years older.

A week after we started dating was my birthday. At my party, when I was surrounded by so many people, he preformed his first major act of manipulation by giving me a written will to hold on to ‘just in case’ and telling me that he loved me so much and I was the only thing keeping him alive. We had known each other for 2 months at this point. We were together a year. One of the other major ones was he convinced me to tell my parents that he was gay so that we could hang out more without my parents suspecting anything. 

I helped him find a new apartment, helped him get back into college, helped him mend his relationship with his family, encouraged him to make friends, helped him job search, helped him budget, and so much more. I spent basically every weekend at his place (which was an hour away once he moved and 30 mins before he moved), often lying to my parents to do so. He essentially became my life and he frequently called me his ‘sole pillar of support’. This isn’t an easy thing to be for someone, in fact it should never be placed on one person like this - and it was definitely another aspect of the emotional manipulation. 

He cheated on me too, he admitted to 2 of them in tactics to try and keep me throughout the relationships (And there was also the time he proposed to me with a ring and everything when it looked like I was going to take our ‘break’ (he still contacted me daily and expected me to do so as well) and turn it into a ‘break up’.). But later on a mutual friend had mentioned “he feels really bad about cheating on you with a and b”...except the names he gave her were not the names he originally gave me. So there are at least 4 instances I’ve heard about, but honestly I suspect there were at least 2 other girls he cheated on me with.

It was tough because despite the fact that we didn’t live together, he worked like hell to put me in a position where I didn't feel like I could tell anyone what was going on - from friends to family, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone for various reasons. In fact it was only later that I told anyone and every last one of them was shocked. They didn't realize I wasn't in love with him, I had them all fooled. I was really good at putting up a front. I finally got out on my next birthday (I say it was a birthday gift for myself, but to be honest while it was liberating and needed, my birthday has now turned into a reminder of that time...), we were together for just over a year. 

Side note while I’m on it- please please please think about what you say, especially if you are in high school - and I don’t just mean in a situation where you know your friend or family member is going through a rough time. I was in this relationship for a year and I never told a soul until it was over that it was abusive. One of my friends told my parents I had sex with him, my mom would make snide remarks, my dad was so openly disappointed in the fact that I had lied (and is the type of dad to want no details of a relationship, stated by him) that I retreated into myself and didn’t speak of my ex to my dad, my closet friend had been alienated from me early on because of her open dislike of him and she had eventually told me it was him or her, most of my other friends all defended him or said I was exaggerating whenever I brought up anything to do with worries (one even convinced me to give him a second chance after one of the cheating instances, as a side note, she later ended up the mother of 2 of his kids and is the one he hit...), and the few that were left tended to only dislike him because of how much time I spent with him (I had to text him multiple times a day, school or not, or he would flip out - this was back in the day of flip phones too) or talking to him or I wasn’t close enough to them to confide something like this. I just really needed someone to take the time to talk to me about it all not just blow up or judge me about it and for all of these reasons and a million more that revolved around his words, I felt alone and judged and felt I could tell no one. Support the people in your life and their relationships, don’t criticize, don’t judge, don’t coerce, don’t yell, don’t blame. Let them come to you if they push back to you asking them about it, let them know that they can count on you to be there for them. You don’t have to agree with them, you don’t even have to say that you like that person they’re with - but no matter what you need to make it very very clear that you will support them and their decisions because you want them to be happy, safe, and secure. This will give them that support they need and it will allow them to know there is an out. I needed this, and I’ve since tried to be this for others.  

I finally ended it when he wished me a happy birthday in complete monotone and then when I said 'I love you' (I was conditioned to say it by that point, he would flip out if I didn’t) he said 'yeah I know, see you tomorrow' and that was it. I just snapped - one of the main tangible reasons I was still with him was because he had me convinced that he would kill himself if I left him because he loved me that much, and yet he can’t even say ‘I love you’ on my birthday?. That was when I broke up with him though it took 2 hours of conversation because he kept trying to manipulate me back and at times he almost did.  And Honestly, it's a good thing it was over the phone because he'd already managed to convince me in the past to stay with him when it was in person. Though I did eventually accept that if he did kill himself, it would in no way be my fault (spoiler alert, he didn’t).  

Later, after I had ended it and before my birthday party was over with he sent me a link to his LiveJournal (yeah...don’t know who will remember that one, but its an online journal that people can comment on - or it was, no idea if it still exists). And in that online journal was more attempts at manipulation, more attempts to hurt and cut me. Because he didn’t just send it to me for the post where he ranted and raved about me dumping him. He sent it to me because he had spent months, months, bad mouthing me online. Months talking about how I never did anything in the relationship. Months of him saying he was worried I may be cheating on him. Months of him describing everything from a view point that was solely designed to cut me down and build him up. Months of getting sympathetic ears telling him how he should break up with me if I wasn’t going to put in the effort that a relationship needs. I may have never seen it before that point but he made sure I saw it then. It was an attempt to manipulate me back into the relationship, make me believe that I was to blame, make me believe that I hadn’t put in the effort, make me believe that I was the cause of everything that I had brought up in our breakup conversation. He called multiple times after ‘giving me a chance to cool down’ and even brought it up to me one of the times I answered, trying to see if I had ‘seen the relationship from his side’. 

And you know what’s worse? If he had waited a couple more days for all my friends to have gone home, for me to be alone with my thoughts, it may have worked - I can’t 100% say that it wouldn’t have. As it is I think he sent it when he did thinking that either I would be embarrassed and want to save face with my friends by taking him back to prove I wasn’t like what he said, or he wanted to ruin my credibility with my friends by showing them all what I ‘was actually like’. Because he knew that when I saw the email my friends would convince me to open it and read what was said right then with all of them as well. 

- 

I took years for myself to figure out myself again. Because with that relationship I also realized that a lot of my friendships weren't healthy either. So many of my friendships were all about what I could give them and had nothing to do with what they could give me. I had to spend my college years relearning what a friend should be like and had to figure out how to relate to people again. It's only been in the last 5 or so years that I've even been going on dates again and I haven't been in a serious relationship since him, no one I would call a boyfriend. Hell, I've only be intimate with one other person and that turned into a one night stand type of deal.

Honestly, I’m still struggling with parts of this. I still struggle sometimes to have a healthy friendship, my early friendships and this relationship make it difficult for me to confide in people or ask for help (though I am better at it than I was), I also find it difficult to trust others and sometimes my own judgement. The lasting affects of going through something like this can’t be ‘fixed’ overnight. 

It's incredibly tough to get through the abuse - physically we can heal, mentally and emotionally it takes much much longer and the scars are harder to see. People say that mental and emotional abuse are the worse - and some people discount physical abuse because it can heal - I haven’t had any physical abuse so I can’t say for sure, but I will say that it is impossible for physical abuse to happen without there being mental and emotional abuse as well, don’t discount any abuse. 

Abuse is abuse and no one should every have to go through it.. 

Once again. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me. I’m here to listen. 

[xesoteric-extraterrestrialx]

I wrote this when I found out how my little brothers gf back-stabbed him again after death ( I remember him crying about it when he was alive but him and my sister hush hushed about it and kept it from me because they knew I'd have some major truth to speak about that all and my fam' love to stay in toxic relationships so they support sticking with them and I would've told him to sober up and will find a better girl that can both have a happy future together who both build each other up and help each other grow each day)

---

"Word of advice if your boyfriend dies don't claim you loved them and then f**k his best friend, hasn't even been a year since he passed... the amount of disrespect, grimes both of you, rolling in his graveeeeee, what a BACKSTABB, my poor baby brother dealing with all these fakes holy f**kkkkk.. hope you both enjoy the karma coming your way and little s**t you ain't my brothers best friend you're a f*****g dirty disgusting snake , ugly little f*****g trolls

Guilty like how you punched my mom? Yeah you're fake as f**k troll he would have never married you you're a joke a dirty hood rat who punched "the love of their life's" mom and cheat on them with their boyfriend's best friend who hooked up with his own eldest sister (not me) while alive, you all stabbed him in the back and broke his heart and now look you're laying in his best friends bed saying how you miss my brother, what a lying tramp

 Where were you when he finally went to therapy after I pushed him to go with my post? Huh? I said I'd have no part in any of it as in partying around him while he needs sober support and enabling him, No support from his "soul mate" you go party while he needed the support "from the love of his life" he went above and beyond and you stoop to this level of punching his mom and hooking-up with his best friend who's d**k been in his older sister lmfao nasty all of you, you left him to die all alone you and that wannabe trying to act like my brother deserve each other troll faces ugly c**ts going no where in life lmfao and they saying I'm disrespectful I'd never stoop to your low life levels absolutely hoodrat hillybilly Jerry folk'n springer s**t here"

--

I'm in the wrong with how I went about it because I got heated knowing he would be in an uproar if this was going on while he was alive and the fact that they're doing that after he passes is even more of a back-stab, anyone who disagrees thinks backwards, has no empathy and never truly loved someone, I was wrong with the name calling and such but they are wrong with their disgraceful actions, claiming he was the love of her life yet you didn't help support him become sober and then not even a few months after passing you can so easily move on with HIS best friend who slept with HIS eldest sister (His best friend is a double backstabber, all are in the wrong here! & They all crushed his heart)

 If someone I dated passed away I wouldn't be able to be sexually active or move on for at least a year and if I claimed it was the love of my life whom I supposedly would become married to I defiantly wouldn't even be thinking about spreading my legs for at least 3-7 years, true love.

If you don't see what's wrong with dating people your fam dated or best friend dated then go enjoy being raunchy on jerry springer cause you don't think straight or know what real compassionate love is , million people in the world no reason to be involved with anyone your fam or best friend is with, foullllllllllll.

-

Do not go put your 2 cents of how you think I'm wrong with this, I don't care what any backward thinkers have to say to defend this, it's wrong and I hope you enjoy your karma you filthy animals. (:  (If anyone wants to debate this calmly send an answer // question and we can all debate because I have 12 page's worth of reasons why it's morally disgusting... and a backstab..)

-

On my brother's birthday they threw a party for him, his girlfriend in the lap of his bestfriend in the hot-tub.. (not even a year past since his passing and they already got together, getting together with someone's best friend behind their back is low, but at least they can get over their wh**e of an ex and loser ex bestfriend and move on but no it's even lower when you do it after their pass, because their spirit watches over this foul play.. Selfish. Sinful. Repulsive... ) if they really cared they would have celebrated SOBER for him because he was trying to sober and go down a more positive path towards the future he was starting to grasp in his dreams or all got together to light incents at his grave and actually spend time with him, no instead they all party and get wasted, drugs, alcohol, the vices that dragged him down, do you think if he was present in spirit he would have enjoyed seeing this all? No.. he would have rather enjoyed them all in nature, sober and sharing fun memories about him over a camp fire but no one really thinks what others want they just use others to do what they want, people who party after someone passes are the most selfish of all, so disrespectful, that's not celebrating their life, celebrate their life by cleaning a beach in their name or go to a soup kitchen together and help others, or i don't know, actually all spend time at his grave with him? No, instead they throw a party full of vices that drag the soul down and didn't support growth of his soul.. I was surprised when I was told about the party, all of his 'friends' hanging out again, sounds like such a fun idea, like something kids would do... They say he would have been all about them dancing in his honor but clearly no one fully understood him.. I see that as clear as day now, just look at them, they must all be so very close all this time later, to party but not have been there for his sobering up when he was alive ( I was caged in a room, they're supposed to be his friends, those to lean on and I can't list a hand full of fingers of anyone who helped him through it and build him up..) My Anthony.. he must be very jealous, the fun goes on with or without him.. They talk about how it's going to make him happy but really my little brother's just a good excuse for them to do whatever they want... Anthony's gone! Okay? He's dead and gone but here they all are, so 'grown up' full of life.. Why... When he died everyone left him all alone, after he passed they gave his phone away those who have possessed it read his inner thoughts and fb posts, they read his messages, his posts, that's all he got, he's frozen in time forever he's the only one, time stopped for him that day, just him, the rest of his friends get the chance to grow up but not Anthony why was he the one who had to die, why is he dead and everyone else is fine...?

 You have no right to insult my little brother I won't allow you to do that ..

[chebleedsink]

Narcissus’ Shadow

Do you ever find yourself covering for someone just because you feel bad for them, just quietly keeping to the shadowlands that they create for you? Maybe because they’re not all bad all the time, and in fact they can wonderful when they want to be? Because generally speaking, they treat most everyone (aside from yourself) really well. Maybe because you know their damage and toxic behaviors started in childhood, where they couldn’t choose to walk away from it? Or maybe because you know how alone and awful they feel on the inside all the time? Maybe because you’re empathetic enough that you not only can imagine, but can physically, mentally, or emotionally feel what it’s like to be them?

I know I do. It’s become second nature to me. I tend to side with the villains and “bad guys” in movies often too, for the same reasons. Really horrible people that do really horrible things, usually weren’t born that way, and they often had really horrible things happen to them first. Reminding myself that they are the hero in their own story isn’t a far stretch at all. I am even pretty certain that if I was ever held hostage, there would be a real possibility that I would develop Stolkholm syndrome if I saw the slightest trace of humanity left in my captor. I always think, “if only someone would love them unconditionally and hold some space for them, just give them the opportunity to change, they might not be villains anymore.” I’m sure the odds would be in favor of that being true some of the time, but some people are so caught up in their roles they play, that they can’t even see themselves for their behavior. Some people can see it, but can’t or won’t change it. Many of them just blame outside causes, while refusing to take any kind of responsibility for fixing things. They don’t want to be fixed. It’s not their problem.

I’m painfully aware that conditions like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, (and less commonly Psychopathy, and Sociopathy), at any point of their wide spectrums, wreak havoc in peoples lives, affecting not just the person suffering with them, but often everyone that comes in contact with them. Alongside generalized anxiety and depressive disorders, these extremely destructive personality disorders like NPD and BPD are taking the spotlight. Dare I say that our society currently supports and encourages the traits, behaviors, characteristics, and tendencies that are indicators of these disorders? Some people have figured out how to put these behaviors to good use, and they use them to unapologetically advocate for animal welfare, or starving children, environmental issues or other human right’s issues. Unfortunately though, that is probably the exception to the rule, and even when directing their attention at these just causes, they are still trampling the people that get in their way underfoot without a second thought.

So many people are either suffering from these disorders directly or indirectly, and so much mental and emotional damage is caused because of them. Someone with several of these traits wouldn’t even have to be considered disordered or even on the spectrum, (and they certainly don’t need to have been clinically diagnosed), in order to hurt the people around them. They are just as toxic in their own way. To know that highly empathetic people have turned into these people due to emotional numbing after feeling too many extreme emotions, as well as knowing people who were previously abused by this same type of person also become these people, is truly heart-breaking. It’s such a cruel cycle to see.

I know all of this, I know mental illness is not the mentally ill’s fault, I know it’s not fair to blame their damage on themselves, but I also know that many of these same people have been given opportunities to better themselves and they often choose not to. Again, with these types of disorders, those who are inflicted with them often can’t or won’t acknowledge that they need help, nor will they acknowledge the damage they cause. They very rarely see therapists for these particular issues, because to them, they aren’t their issues. Some of them can’t even feel bad about the things they do (due to a lack of empathy), even though they may have learned to act like they do. Some of them see reality completely backwards, where they honestly believe that everything they do to others, is actually what’s being done to them. Some of them are so good at fooling even themselves, and they have adapted so well to hiding, that they believe they are the empaths being abused in their various relationships. Empaths feel other peoples’ emotions, whereas narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths fake other peoples’ emotions. Sometimes it’s near impossible to tell the difference.

Aside from complete avoidance, how do you even begin to deal with these types of people in a healthy or productive way? Even worse, some of those people are just dipping a toe in and out of the spectrums of those disorders, and you can still see some hope for them. Hope that the switch won’t flip all the way, that they won’t be completely lost to it. Hope that they’ll come back around, or that meds and therapy could help. That hope is miserable. It destroys more people than the disorders themselves ever could. But for some of us, if there’s hope, we’ll still put ourselves in front of the train in the hope that we can help, in the hope that we can all be saved. Too often though, we are just hit by the train, and surviving and recovering from that train-wreck is a long and painful journey. Some of us never recover.

Even after spending the last 5 years cutting these types of people out of my life, there are some I can’t escape. It’s just not an option. So, to maintain the “peace”, I find myself still covering for them. I find myself treading water in the wake of their explosive fits and moods, just concentrating on the damage control to follow and on not drowning. And I am so tired of it, I hate it, I am done with it. It doesn't fix anything, and I'm pretty sure it always just perpetuates more problems than it solves, yet I still do it all the time.

Why? Why continue covering up their bad behavior behind the scenes? Why bite my tongue? Because I don't want to upset anyone, and they're already having a hard time, and if I don't have anything nice to say..., and it wouldn't make a difference anyway (-in fact it just causes more problems), and we have mutual friends, and they monitor my Facebook posts and have actually told me not to air my dirty laundry on social media (even though they do so regularly), besides, they’re not really that bad all the time, the list goes on.

I was so angry and upset the other night and I wanted nothing more than to vent on fb, mostly because writing is how I work through things, and because there are always a few people online to commiserate with who have gone through similar experiences, but once again, I didn't, because of all of the above reasons.

The next morning I thought I'd have calmed down a bit, but I hadn't. My brain was literally screaming at me to stop covering for him. Because it's not fair. And I know that. And I've literally put up with it for a decade. That's a long time to put myself on the quiet chair for someone else's sake. Two days later, and my brain won’t let it go.

I have spent years trying to be a better person, always improving myself, working through my baggage so I don’t have to keep carrying it around, generally just trying to be a decent human being really. My brain is demanding that I break this pattern of sweeping other people’s trash under my rug. And I really want to, but I still feel like I shouldn’t. I’ve been well-trained.

Honestly, I just wish I didn't always feel so bad for them, like I'd be kicking a downed horse if I ever called them out. But what do you do when the horse is always down? And when they’re actually up, between minute moments of calmness, they're extremely reactive and aggressively defensive, they’re kicking and biting you or things around you, they’re shitting everywhere, they’re loud, they’re stomping mud through the house, breaking things, leaving the barn door open, always threatening to run away, and you're afraid that anything you say to them, any way you say it, whether he's calm or otherwise, might set him off or upset him even more causing an even worse tantrum. You’re stuck in close proximity, but could you just avoid the horse? Maybe that way you'd feel less tempted to kick it? Oh, but wait... avoiding the horse just upsets the horse too?

Even worse, what do you do when those people have spent so much time convincing other people that they aren't like that at all? When they've convinced you that you're the only reason they behave like that? When they've actually convinced you that you're the one behaving that way, not them? When they claim to be the emotionally fragile one that you keep attacking?

Gaslighting is no joke, and even if you know it's happening, it's so easy to get sucked back into. It's like quicksand. The harder you fight against it, the more you panic when it's being flung at you, the deeper it pulls you in. I've learned the best reaction is to not react, and to stay calm, but that is not easy to do when your brain is screaming "Oh my gods! He's doing it again!!! Panic!!! Fight or Run!!!!.....Wait, maybe it is me and I am really the abusive crazy one!?!? No!!! Fight Back!!! Explain to him how he's twisting everything around!!!! Maybe it is my fault, I never should have said anything…Did I really do those things?.. But that’s what I was just saying…. Maybe I just don’t remember��" Before you know it, it's sucked you back under, because there's no point in arguing with someone who knows exactly how to gaslight you. You will never win that fight.

Fatigue is setting in. I’m exhausted with this person, with these people. I am tired of watching them say one thing, while they are actually doing the total opposite. I'm so tired of watching them play the victim and the pity me cards on social media, when behind the scenes it's so obvious that even though they are mostly responsible for their own suffering, they have zero self-accountability. I'm tired of double standards, especially the one where they expect to be thanked and appreciated for every single thing they do, every time they do it, even though they don't do the same, and in fact they rarely even notice (and certainly don't acknowledge) even half of the things that someone else does.

I am beyond tired of these people bragging about their greatness, and how much they do for other people, when it's all just for show and personal gain under the guise of philanthropy. I'm tired of them complaining about how hard they have it when they have been given so many handouts in life, especially when they've literally shoved other people out of the way to get where they are. I’m tired of their sense of entitlement that they claim to not have.

I am tired of the type of people who constantly make other people feel like an inconvenience, especially when it's their turn to repay a favor or a debt, or to hold up their end of a bargain or partnership. Especially, when they willingly made a deal or agreed to something (which they most likely never expected to be held accountable for.) I’m tired of people who talk over or belittle other people as an attempt to publicly shame or dominate them. I’m tired of them always stepping into the spotlight when it’s someone else’s turn.

I'm tired of people who try to hold others hostage with power-plays, and by manipulating emotions. I'm tired of damaged people getting away with damaging other people just because they're damaged. I'm tired of inconsiderate people. I'm tired of hypocrites.  I'm tired of constantly volatile, hyper-defensive people who don't take responsibility for anything. I'm tired of people who try to shift the blame from themselves to everyone or anyone else they possibly can.

I'm tired of cleaning up other people's messes, literally and metaphorically, of all types, shapes and sizes. Even more than the actual "cleaning" part, I'm tired of being expected to do the job. I’m just as tired of expecting myself to do the job. I’m tired of people doing a half-assed job because the “job” isn’t their choice of what they want to do, and I’m tired of people putting in the least amount of effort possible. I’m tired of people who have no clue how to be a team-player.

I'm tired of people who give or do things for others as a way to put people in debt to them, or to be able to take credit for their successes later on. I am tired of "those" people who say, "but you don't see things from my side", or "you never listen to me". You know, the ones that when they say that, it's such a pile of crap and it's painfully obvious that they only see their own side of anything. The same people may be able to repeat back exactly what you said, but they didn't "hear" a word of it. I'm tired of talking to and fighting with brick walls.

I'm really, really tired of the people who use "I'm sorry" angrily, as a way to excuse their behavior, shift the blame, to clear their own conscience and to justify them doing the same thing over again for an unlimited amount of times. I'm tired of two-faced people. And I am so tired of people who claim to be the world's victim, when they're really the ones victimizing people. I'm tired of the people who accuse others of doing exactly what they themselves are doing.

I'm tired of keeping it to myself for someone else's sake. I'm tired of not bitching about it. I'm tired of keeping other people's ugly sides hidden, and I'm tired of keeping their images polished for some nonsensical reason.

You want to act high and mighty and tell me not to do something you just did (the 10x's worse, extreme version of) the day before?

Fuck you.

You want to tell me your shitty behavior is my fault?

Fuck you.

You want to act like you're so misunderstood, down-trodden, wounded and abused by me, when I was the one that excused and put up with your toxicity, abuse, and neglect for years.

Fuck you.

You want to try to poke me where it hurts, salt the wounds repeatedly, then try to cover it back up with sugar, just because you can?

Fuck you.

I'm tired. And I'm done. Just because someone does good things too, does not mean that you should put up with their shit. Just because you love someone as a person, doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you. Just because you still feel some sort of hope for someone’s well-being, doesn’t make it your job to protect or help save them. Being a victim, being under too much stress, being mentally unwell is not a justified reason to pass the abuse. When it comes to physical abuse, these things are much more obvious, but emotional and mental abuse are equally damaging, you just can’t see the marks left on the outside.

I cannot wait until this page in my life turns to a fresh leaf, where I can just breathe again. Where I have space and where I can put some distance between myself and the things that hurt me the most. I know growth is painful, but I’m ready to take my hand off of the remnants of this fire. Although I often hate myself for the decisions that led to my situation, I count my blessings that I was at least able to remove myself from the pits of the original blaze, even if I did I let it burn me for way too long. I was left with so many scars, but I turned those scars into red-flags and memorials for life-lessons learned. I don’t ever want to forget those warning signs.

I currently have an amazing, loving, kind, considerate and self-aware partner in my life, the kind of person that I started thinking didn’t really exist. They’re not perfect, (no one is), but they don’t pretend to be, and they hold themselves accountable, and they do the work. Not only have they set a new standard in my life, but they have given me a whole new type of hope to focus on; the hope that I will continue to rise above my ingrained patterns of constantly choosing toxic people to surround myself with, and that I can make better choices, without feeling guilty about not sacrificing myself to save someone else.

My brain is still grumbling that I’m still covering. That I didn’t even mention who I was talking about or the details of the last argument, or the things he said, or the toxic things he does on a daily basis, or the way he really acts when no one else is around. Perhaps I’ll save that for another post. I feel that the vagueness of this post may just be more useful for anyone reading that may have needed to read this today.

If you’ve read this far, I’m assuming you probably can relate. You’ve probably felt these stingers once, or twice, perhaps more times than you’d like to count. You might be trapped at the moment, without a clear path to escape, but when the time comes, as soon as the opportunity arises, don’t think twice about getting out. Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel like you’ve failed. Don’t convince yourself that maybe you should just try one more time, because you probably shouldn’t. Don’t cover for them if you don’t have to, or if it’s safe not to. You owe it to yourself.

Don’t believe them when they tell you it’s all your fault, and that if you would just behave differently things would be better. Don’t believe them when they say they’ll change. These types of people rarely change without meds and therapy, and if you already feel tired, or done, or you’ve been covering longer than you’d like to admit, chances are the jokes on you. Don’t believe them when they say it’s all in your head. Don’t believe anything they tell you to try to convince you that there isn’t anything wrong with them, or if they argue there is something wrong with them that you just need to accept because it’s not going to change.  If they repeat your argument back to you as their own response, if you hear your own words or emotions being turned around and parroted back, or being used completely out of context, run my friend, run and don’t look back.

Should we still hold space for these people? Afterall, they are just human beings, right? They are just as deserving of love and acceptance as anyone else, even if they are toxic, even if they can’t love or accept us. I think we should hold space, and we should still love them unconditionally as human beings, however, we should hold their space as far away from ourselves as possible, and we should love them from great distances. My heart still bleeds for them, I can’t imagine what an awful existence many of them live, and I still wish I could help, but I’m so much wiser now. I know better. And every day, I get a little braver. One day, I’ll stop covering.  

[captainpikeachu]

my crimes of grindelwald review

so some time back, people were asking me about my feels regarding this movie, i didn’t put out a review then because i was still thinking things through and rewatching the movie and re-reading the screenplay

but now that it’s been some time since the movie opened, i feel like i’m at a good place to be sure of my feelings about the film

to put it simply:

am i going to watch it a million times and scream about my feels? YES.

do i think that it is a good film? NO.

------------------------------------

the good:

the visuals of course are amazing, these FB films have a sense of confidence in its visual flair and that’s not shocking given that most of the people working on these films have been doing films in this world for like over a decade

the performances are great, whenever the cast is allowed to have their little interactions, they nail it and make the most of what they are given

the beasts are frankly the best parts of anything, they’re cute and adorable and amazing and i wish this whole film series actually was focused on the beasts

Newt and Theseus’ relationship thankfully was not one of jerky older brother bullying younger brother, no, Theseus is actually a great and caring older brother and their hugs are everything

Jacob is a joy to watch always

Newt and Tina's salamander eyes moment LOL

Jude Law is a great young Dumbledore

the bad:

this screenplay of JKR’s unfortunately exposes the weakness of her ability as a screenwriter, it is not focused, and three million things are happening at the same time as we jump from location to location to location - this all works well in novel format, as we are able to more space to explore more things, but in a script, it doesn’t work, there is no space - this in turn ends up with backstories that could be useful but is never explained, things that would actually flesh out character reasons and actions that are left on the cutting room floor

as I said once to a friend of mine about this movie, it’s like JKR made this huge great amazingly rich feast with so many delicious dishes but every time you take a bite or two from a dish, it’s then snatched away from you - so you get a tiny taste of everything but never the actual rich meal - and yes, I am fully aware that COG is only part two of a story, but the lack of focus and some very thin characters makes the film on its own, just not well done - a part two in a series should also be a complete story on its own

for example, while I am grateful that there wasn’t much Leta/Theseus/Newt drama, JKR not focusing on any of that just then makes me wonder what is even the point of saying Leta is engaged to Theseus? We get the tiniest glimpse of Leta and Theseus as a couple and then she just dies in this film - this was what I mean when I say thin characters or the feeling of a meal being snatched away - we are never explained how Theseus and Leta met, why did they choose to get married, or does Theseus know that Newt had feelings for Leta? A backstory of Leta and Theseus’ relationship would have done wonders to elevate both Theseus and Leta as supporting characters. This film focuses on Leta and Newt having a bond, even going back as showing their years at Hogwarts together, and that’s all great and all, but then why did Leta chose to marry Theseus? This movie is trying to tell me they have a great bond, yet Leta wants to marry Newt’s brother? Why? But that’s the issue, Theseus and Leta’s relationship is just there and never explained. So then what is the point of all this supposed love triangle if it is left up so ambiguous with one side of the relationship just never explained or shown? The fact that they fridged Leta in the end....*shakes head*

another example is Nagini and Credence - Credence’s whole plot in the movie is just leave the circus, find information about his family, go to the tombs, and then join Grindelwald, and Nagini is literally just a tag along with no discerning plot of her own - it’s like they just tagged her in because Credence couldn’t very well be moody and talk to himself so he needed a person to do exposition to - we are not shown how Credence came back, we are not shown how he and Nagini met and why did they become friends enough to escape together - we are simply just told that they know each other and just accept it - but then, Credence pretty much just dumps her for Grindelwald and leaves, again a female character is all but given nothing to do

and then there’s the Queenie and Jacob thing - *sighs* - I adored that relationship in the first film but Queenie’s actions in this film crosses a line that I honestly don’t know if there is redemption for - while everyone might shrug off the love potion thing because “well Jacob loves her” - but let’s think about how that scene would look if a man put a love potion on a woman to keep her wanting to marry him, no, we wouldn’t think very kindly on that, so the fact that it’s a woman doing it to a man shouldn’t make it any less a disgusting act, and saying that Queenie did it for love really doesn’t make it any better, it in fact paints her character as a selfish and manipulative person who doesn’t care about people’s consent, that she just does whatever she wants or thinks is best for her - case in point, she literally joins a man whom 9 months ago SENTENCED HER SISTER TO DEATH AND ALMOST KILLED HER - maybe this is just me, but if someone did that to my only family, I would never listen to anything that someone had to say - and the implications of a Jewish woman siding with Wizard Hitler? Yeah....no thanks....

Tina is another character whom suffers in this film’s problem with treatment of its female characters, she is literally given no plot of her own, again, like Nagini, it’s like she’s just tagged onto Newt’s story, and while they have a cute adorable moment that I love, she is not given a center stage spotlight to shine

and here leads to the other issue - there are way too many characters in this movie that JKR does not how to juggle and balance in a screenplay - it’d be one thing if this was a novel, but in a three act screenplay, she ends up having to sacrifice so many characters’ depth - this movie feels like three different movies are happening at the same time but each other is given little focus - this problem wasn’t a prevalent issue in the first FB movie because we had the core four characters that our story focused and followed - but in COG, that’s not the case anymore, we are no longer following the core four, it’s more like core 10 but they’re all over the place in their own little movies - the only time this movie had a focus was the last 30 min with everyone going to the tombs for the rally, the plot meanders until we reach that point

and then I have to touch upon the issues of canon - now this doesn’t make or break a movie, I’m not so attached to canon that a whole movie is ruined, but this break in canon does present a problem - is JKR just retconning her own stories now? I like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but certain decisions in her storytelling lately have made me iffy on that - the whole Aurelius Dumbledore thing doesn’t really matter to me, I think that one can be explained away eventually and I’m sure JKR has an explanation so I can wait on that, my only problem with the reveal is how it was presented, out of the blue with no set up - this wasn’t a little clues laid down and AHA! moment, but it literally comes out of nowhere as a shock moment only because there is no canonical ground laid for it - we never see Grindelwald even bringing anything up about something like that even in the first FB film, in fact, Grindelwald spent most of that movie convinced that Credence was just a squib. It’s a big twist sure, but a twist that nobody could have predicted because no one knowing canon would have even thought about that? And then there’s the whole McGonagall thing, my brain hurts thinking about it and the only explanation is that time turners are involved, as much as I hate bringing up time travel again in HP, it’s the only explanation. I want to think that JKR isn’t that bad at keeping track of her own canon. Like I said, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

other things:

Grindelwald still looks like a bleached pineapple

#JusticeForAntonio and for the family and that baby Grindelwald also murdered

#WhereIsTheRealPercivalGraves - seriously, HOW IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS OR GIVING ME ANY ANSWERS? IS HE ALIVE? IS HE ON VACATION? IS HE HIDING IN A CIRCUS WITH A FLYING ELEPHANT CALLED DUMBO?????

that opening escape thing was great to watch but logistically makes no sense, what was the point of going back to get Abernathy when you could just escape already.........unless Grindelwald just did it to be extra, which I guess he would

Yusuf and Leta and the whole thing with their mother...eh...I think people more of an expert in the problematic racial tropes have spoke better on this issue than i ever could

i really wished they just stuck to a series about beasts instead of dragging in the Grindelwald and Dumbledore drama/war - why not just let that be its own series where then you get a good focus

------------------------------

look, fact is, you give me a wizarding world movie, i’m gonna watch it and be happy and watch it a million more times because I love this world so much, i have all the books, the merch, been to the wizarding world like more than a few dozen times, this world is life

but as someone who has a degree in screenwriting...this script was just...not good at all, and it further shows that JKR is a great novelist but not necessarily a great screenwriter - I can only hope that maybe she will get another screenwriter to help her with the focus, maybe get Steve Kloves back since they have worked together - it’s great in a novel to have so many characters in a story, but there is a reason on screen even in the HP movies, they chose to move and combine certain characters into one because you didn’t want so many characters to eat up the screentime and focus - this is JKR’s main problem right now, and the fact that her female characters in this film were not treated well

i hope that the next few films improve, but either way i’m still gonna watch them of course

[princettegil]

There's been something I've been meaning to talk about for a while now but it recently came to a head about a week ago and I've came to realize that the medical field is probably one of the most uncaring amd worst places to work for someone with mental illness! You'd think the medical field would understand, right? Nope! Out of all the jobs I've had, none have been this bad at working with me or helping with my issues. I won't go into detail about what happened but I haven't had much in the way of anxiety attacks in the last couple years (cept for a couple incidents.) All in all, I've been doing stunningly better! However, when I have a job I tend to have a lot more anxiety issues (no matter what the job is, it just seems to happen.) So I've had about 3-4 attacks since I started work at the beginning of this year at a hospital (working one of the lowest rungs that still deals with patient care.) But that's to be expected; I figured that would happen since it almost always does, but I was intent on trying to sticking it out this time. Now, I don't like pity - let's just get that clear right now. I don't like pity, I don't like bothering people, I try my best to at least be as good as my peers at my job and I absolutely abhor bothering people with my issues (be that mental illness stuff or standard job difficulties.) Basically, I try to hold my own as best I can and I don't like to mention my mental health issues unless it's clear they're absolutely becoming an problem. Well, first (technically 2nd but the real first was a very small and not full blown attack) anxiety? A nurse happened to be in the room with me and took me to the main office where they let me chill a little and transferred me to work with a less trying patient. That's good! That seems reasonable yeah? Though what they did I agree was a good move, the way the nurse (an RN mind you) acted towards me was... odd. You'd expect a nurse to be well trained with things like anxiety or panic attacks and know both how to help out and seem considerate, right? Well... you'd be very wrong! Though she wasn't mean she didn't seem to understand at all what was happening to me even after I told her I was having an anxiety attack. She clearly didn't know much in the way of how to help me calm down or even deal with me at all working on her floor. But whatever, maybe she was tired? Nurses work their asses off after all! Maybe she just wasn't well trained with anxiety issues? It could happen. I gave her a pass in my mind but noted how it was strange for her to be so seemingly uncomfortable with a simple anxiety attack, especially one of a coworker. My 2nd anxiety attack went mostly unnoticed and I dealt with it the way I normally do. Took a break to go to the bathroom and try to chill out, stayed there a bit longer than my break actually allows but made sure I was okay before going back to the patient's room to continue my shift as normal. At the end though I made sure to inform my supervisor that I could no longer work with said patient because he was behind my prior anxiety attack as well. They didn't really agree but that didn't disagree with me either that they'd make sure I didn't have to work with him again. Then the 3rd anxiety attack. The big one. The awful one. The one that really forced my realization. Like I said, I won't go into detail on what happened. Lots of things happened that night all at once and some caused serious issues but are unrelated to the topic of the hospital's treatment of anxiety attacks. But the stunning thing I did realize was just how non-understanding and non-accomodating my supervisors (years long medical workers, especially in nursing fields) could be. At one of my last jobs, though they ran everyone to the brink of exhaustion and stress (causing many people to quit around the same time, including myself) they at least we're kind when they realized I had anxiety issues. It didn't actually work out the way they promised but they were willing to work with me and make simple accommodations to help me out (like working in the back when the store got really busy.) They were also very understanding and assuring even though I was terrified that they found out. At another job, though I didn't stay long last the first month's training classes, they were also understanding and my trainer took the time to explain how she understood what anxiety was like and gave me plenty of time and space to calm myself down (we got along so well I even friended her on FB after I quit and she's still really nice to me.) Basically, my other jobs were understanding. They didn't pity me (thank gods!) but they were open, supportive, understanding, accomodating and those coworkers who had been through similar really helped commiserate with me which helped me feel more comfortable knowing I wasn't alone. The hospital I work at now? None of the above! They weren't mean mind you, they technically said just enough to make it so that I probably couldn't sue them for treating me differently due to my mental disabilities (I have no intention to) but it really did seem like they wanted to put in the bare minimum of care to make sure that didn't happen. Did they tell me how they understood that anxiety was difficult to deal with? No. Did they try understandingy issues? No. Did they ask or try to accommodate me (like helping me to find a more suitable job there or letting me know I could ask to switch patients if things got hard? No. Did they seem any bit empathetic or even sympathetic? No. They gave me time to calm down (though they seemed pretty ansy for me to hurry up and breath so I could talk or rather, listen to them.) They said they were worried a couple times (while seemingly sounding and looking like they didn't give a single shit and were simply required to say it.) Did they at all mention anxiety is a disability or offer any tips for dealing with it? Nope! Instead they told me, in only slightly prettier words, to suck it up, deal with it on my own, don't cause problems, and that it's only gonna get worse from here. Not exactly kind or what you'd expect from medical personnel huh? In fact, that's my main concern - it was MEDICAL PERSONNEL! I could see this with grocery store staff or call center supervisors and probably write it off as just being ill informed or more caring about the cash and not the employees. But... trained, licensed, careered RNs and nursing staff!?!? Staff that I KNOW have had to deal with and care for mentally ill patients of all sorts? Staff that likely occasionally have to help out in the adjoining psychiatric center!? People whose job is literally to care for other people!? This is what disturbs me! This is what concerns me! If they treat a fellow employee like this then how do they treat the actual patients with problems!? Look, I know nurses don't have it easy! I have both family and friends who are CNAs and RNs and I know some of the shit they go through and how stressful it is. Especially since starting a hospital job and seeing stuff firsthand, I have MAJOR respect for those that can do such jobs! You guys have to have balls of steel! No... platinum! Dear gods the shit you ppl go through! I can easily see why you'd be frustrated especially with a coworker who can't handle the shit you deal with daily! I get it. I can see why you'd snap at patients and even eventually experience burn out and stop giving a shit in general. Hell, I wouldn't blame you one damn bit! But I would hope most of that would be split decisions, heat of the moment type stuff. Not when you've had almost an hour to absorb what's happened and had plenty of time to think through what to do or how to act. If you treat your co-workers like this, how would someone expect you to treat your patients? Not one of the 6 jobs that I've had treated my anxiety issues THIS BADLY! I'm talking data entry places, places with tiny cubicles, telarmarketing places, call centers, grocery stores, RETAIL stores! If nothing else I'd expect at least understanding from medical field workers! My supervisors, even a few of my coworkers - did not only not seem to understand but didn't even care! I was told by one to pretty much man up or quit! And some of these people, I KNOW have either personally dealt with mental health issues themselves or know someone close who has. Even if you know the job is tough, even if you know it may get worse, even if you've personally dealt with worse - you can't even say something as easy as "yeah man, this shits hard, I get it."? If I ever mentioned how hard my night was, my coworkers in the group chat didn't even care enough to respond. I mean, I'm sure you've had hard nights too! Let's talk about it! Let's commiserate and complain together! There's over I of us on this shift and I know you all have gone through shit, let's let off a little steam about it! There's gotta be at least one of you who'd love to rant it out! I find when you complain together about a tough job it makes you feel better knowing there's others in the same situation. Just knowing you're not alone can help a lot! Heck, answering every question you know the answer to with "just call the supervisors" cause you can't take 2 mins to say something like "click the x button on the menu" to help a coworker is a bit extreme isn't it? That last anxiety attack I had suicidal thoughts for a short bit in the midst of the worst part. I asked my supervisors for any advice they might have (hoping they might share some of their 20+ years of health field knowledge) they ignored my question and sent me straight to the ER even though I told them I was fine now. I can see the reaction for legal reasons but they didn't seem worried about me personally but how it may affect my job. They refused to listen to me. I went to the ER. Sat there, had blood work done and answered a few questions about how I was feeling and they let me leave. Why? Because they had determined I was fine and no threat to myself or others, just like I had told my supervisors. They never did give me advice. But they did screenshot my phone to show HR. So no, I don't want pity and I don't want people to get super worried about me but I'm always worrying that I'll be fired because of my anxiety attacks and the least a supervisor or coworker could do is tell me they understand it's tough (the job or the anxiety) or give me helpful tips or listen to me or ask how they could help. But being ignored, told to man up, told to quit, treated like I was just a legal risk and quickly unloading me onto anyone else they could - that's not how you treat someone! Someone with anxiety, depression, mental illness, learning disabilities, young people, old people - ANY PEOPLE! And what's worse is you are MEDICAL STAFF! You should KNOW about this stuff. You should KNOW how to handle it! You should KNOW to at least act like you care! You should KNOW how to comfort or calm someone or make them feel comfortable and not just like a legal risk or a bother that you don't want to deal with! HOW TF DO PATIENTS FEEL ABOUT THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!? My managers are always complaining about inspections and how the hospital is rated by patients and why and how to improve our scores. Well, as someone who's been an employee and now a patient too, lemme tell you your main patient displeasure issue - YOUR ATTITUDE! I thought before that some patients were just asking too much of the staff but now I know that they were right. But it's not about getting your apple juice quicker it's about being treated like you're either just a giant thorn in their side or a pit of money! Maybe next time I won't ignore that survery phone call.

[mychemicalrant]

Getting it on Both Ends

There’s kind of a weird emotional set of walls that someone with aspergers has to walk between. On the one hand, we are visibly set apart from everyone else through our appearance, behavior, interests, etc. On the other hand, we’re not visible enough, so we get accused of all manner of ill intent. This plays out in the following ways:

Wow, you’re autistic.

So I recently went on an interstate trip that, while challenging in many respects (lots of socializing with strangers, changing sleeping environments), went surprisingly well. My dad and I then met up with some old family friends of his, people who had known me since before I was born. They have a stunning, beautiful, amazing, accomplished, incredibly gifted and experienced 19 year old neurotypical daughter who they couldn’t be more proud of. Like, this kid was a superstar in high school and in their little community with friends, boyfriends, admirers from all over. Now she’s working with children and going to college for a degree in Awesome Incredible Career. I...am a 30+ year old job-challenged newly diagnosed autistic with few friends, no car, and have just moved back in with my parent. Suffice it to say my self esteem was a little low. I’ll admit, by this part in the trip I was incredibly weary of traveling and socializing. We had taken this very cross-country trip 15 years ago to see these same people and I remember having a panic attack the whole week from being so far from home, but that’s another story. My point is, I was visibly off. I went outside to spend time by myself, I stimmed like crazy, I drank ungodly amounts of beer, I ate a ton (because eating is readily available and encouraged in that part of the country), and I hyperfocused on a few of my travel interests. I’m a huge fan of collecting things and I like to collect certain things while I’m on the road, so I ended up dragging everyone along to search for these items.

Things were going pretty well, I guess, but in the back of my mind I was stressing. Was I coming off too weird? Too excited? Too distant? Too uncomfortable? I didn’t want to embarrass anyone but I knew I was slipping into the end of my rope. I had just spent one and a half weeks in hotels/stranger’s houses meeting an endless stream of new people in a strange area I wasn’t familiar with. And, like it or not, I’m autistic and always have been even if I didn’t always know it. But there’s something poignant about growing older and still seeing yourself acting outside of your age-appropriate behavioral expectations in front of people much, much younger than you who are absolutely nailing maturity. After all my worrying and insecurity about this...I overheard a conversation I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. The daughter was talking to her dad who has, again, known my parents since before I was born and visited frequently when I was a child. He knew my mom before she died. And he said “...ever since [my mom] died mychemicalrant’s been....weird.” And his daughter said, “Oh, I thought mychemicalrant was nice!” It was a very humbling moment, I guess. I am really nothing at all like my mom, which I think is part of this observation, but the fact of it is that I have had my weirdness blamed on my mom’s death since I was ten. And that never feels good. Because I know I’m really being blamed for autism, and that is something that I can’t help. Getting over tragedy is something that society expects you to do and also provides a context for my inappropriate level of development, but...that’s not what it is. So, ouch.

You can’t be autistic, that’s bullshit!

Anyway. So I’m licking this wound slowly on the drive home. My dad doesn’t say anything to me about my “behavior” (like he would have had to do when I was growing up) so I figure the moment has passed and he’s unaware of the whole thing. See, my biggest fear is my dad getting blamed for my behavior. Like, my parents were always critical of me to a point, but my dad is an Enneagram 9 and he lets things be what they are for the most part. But being a single parent and having a “troubled’ child attracts unwanted attention, and I’m scared to death that my autistic presence will cause some of the legal ruckus it caused when I was a kid. That’s...well, that’s another entire story, and maybe entirely TMI for tumblr. Back to the present: I get home and call my friend to tell her of this experience and how it made me feel. She was sympathetic about it, which encouraged me to share some really good news from my vacation:

I made a new friend who is really fascinated in me (cool) and this person friended me on FB. In doing so, she found my months old Autism Diagnosis Coming Out post and commented on it, which bumped it up to everyone else’s timeline. I had thought everyone had seen it and chosen not to say anything, but suddenly I was getting a stream of supportive and loving messages from old friends, including a friend of mine who is pursuing their own diagnosis right now. !! I was very excited about this, and mentioned it to my friend on the phone, who knows this person. And suddenly all of the polite, restrained, “You’re undergoing a spiritual journey right now that means you will overcome your autism when you’ve learned XYZ spiritual lessons” in regards to MY diagnosis became “There is no way they’re autistic, they’re a fucking spoiled only child who got everything they wanted from their mom because they threw a tantrum if they didn’t, they are autistic like I’M autistic, please!” Me: This friend got along with their mom as well as you get along with yours?? My friend: Yeah, exactly, [Friend] is exactly like me! A spoiled only child who didn’t learn social skills because their parent didn’t teach them! Me: ...You know I’m an only child too, right? My friend: Oh, but your situation is TOTALLY different, I mean, blah blah blah...

Yikes. This conversation has stuck with me. First of all, I’m really proud of my other friend for seeking a diagnosis. I have always known they struggle with some form of executive dysfunction and a diagnosis makes that make so much sense. I’m super proud that they are pursuing this path. Also, it does not surprise me that my friends might also be on the spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent because these are the people I was closest with. I um...don’t have the heart to tell my friend in the aforementioned conversation that I strongly suspect she may be somewhere near the spectrum, too. My point is, not everyone believes me when I tell them I have autism because they have a built in, violent, cruel, irrelevant stereotype of autism in their minds. (My friend worked with troubled children from broken homes who included kids with autism, and naturally these kids looked/acted nothing like me.) But it was the vitriol with which she body slammed our mutual friend while pretending to begrudgingly accept my diagnosis that took me aback. It made me think a lot: if my friend who is seeking a diagnosis doesn’t have autism and is instead a spoiled only child who didn’t learn to socialize (this person is actually extremely empathic, generous, and creative), why does my other friend think they are pursuing a diagnosis? I didn’t have the energy to ask, but I had a few guesses. And none of them reflected well on my friend’s feelings towards me and my diagnosis. So, there you have it. On the one hand, I’m so “weird” I’ve had the cops and CPS called on my family to investigate potential abuse because my behavior indicated that something was seriously wrong at home, and growing up I was a constant source of embarrassment for my parents. On the other hand, I can’t possibly be autistic because only little boys who bite and scratch and hit their moms with broken bottles are autistic. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I’ve had legitimately had my feelings hurt by being called out for being autistic and called out for "not really having autism” in the same week.

I think this is not unusual for those who would otherwise have fallen through the cracks, diagnostically-speaking. But, here’s where I’m at right now emotionally. I am trying to adjust to life in a new place (that part is going really well) and adjust to my new understanding of myself as autistic. This isn’t easy when I have to oscillate between shame (I really am autistic and this does have social consequences, not just for me but for those around me) and worry that I’m not “autistic enough” and I’m somehow defrauding those who are truly disabled or lying to everyone about my condition. In other words, I am still trying to define my relationship to autism. I have a lot of pain and shame to wander through first.

[aquarianlights]

Depending on how tomorrow goes, I may or may not go MIA from every single social media site and texting app that everyone knows me on without any notice but this. I’m not really telling anyone. Posting a mass update here and maybe fb later. But even if tomorrow goes “well” or anywhere in the “good” category...I may be too overwhelmed to be talking to anyone or on any kind of social media for a while. Hours, days, weeks. If it goes poorly, expect me gone for at least a month. If I’m still alive by the end of that---which I should be, coz I will have Echo right by my side and he will never leave my side again and I will do everything in my power to push through and be positive and be a good dad for him---then I will eventually crawl back onto social media. But my queue may run out for the second time in my entire time since I made this blog like 6-7+ years ago. It’s only run out once so far and that’s because it wasn’t maxed out and slowed down before I got institutionalized once and that was a longer stay than normal. Normally I manage to get out before my queue runs out and then ...”treat myself” with a queue filling binge of positive stuff and foxes and glittery things and nerdy things and all things christmas and cold weather. Just general stuff I like...packing it full, coz it’ll usually be on the very last few posts by the time I get out, but no one will have noticed my absence coz it won’t have run out.

But the personal space I will need from how intense this could potentially be...is terrifying for me. I usually go to social media to cope. Somehow, this is so terrifying, that stepping away from social media, stepping away from my friends, and venturing out on my own and putting myself in rather dangerous situations would be my best way to cope. Other than pouring my hours into research and schoolwork... I do have plenty of medical texts to read that I haven’t had the time to do more than skim over [stares longingly at them all].

The amount of overwhelming this is ....is just... it would break a neurotypical person and shred them to pieces. For me? I’m not sure what it will do. The good thing about my particular neurodivergency is that I don’t have much of a conscience to work with (I thought the auditory hallucinations were what everyone was referring to as a conscience until professionals finally told me that’s not what a conscience is and upon further research found I didn’t have one which is great for this situation but damn). I

This could potentially be the hardest moment of my entire life, but I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the biggest mistake I ever make, but I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the best thing that ever happens to me, but again... I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. As of right now...at the age of 26...on the date of February 24th, 2018. . .this WILL be the hardest day of my entire life to date. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, no matter the outcome. I’m not scared; I’m sick. I feel like it’d be a better idea to kill myself than go through with this. I’d get to avoid the whole thing.

I hate how logical that is.

And I hate how there’s literally not a single counter argument to it and not even one downside. There WAS one downside and that was that my friends would grieve and/or care but the two people who I was worried about caring/grieving and it affecting their lives have thoroughly proven it won’t and that they do not. That’s not pessimism or anything. That’s just cold, hard fact. Yeah, it’s a sad fact. But. . .it’s fact nonetheless. And I gotta look at the truth one way or another. Facts don’t change just because they’re not in my favour.

I really do hate how logical suicide is right now.

And I really do hate how there isn’t a single counter-argument to it. And how I have absolutely no one in my corner right now and how I have to support every single one of my friends despite the fact I have told them over and over again that I can’t be there for them and to stop and to back the fuck off with their damn problems, because I’m going through too much of my own stuff to help them with theirs. There’s only two people I will put aside my ridiculous mountain of issues that could possibly lead to my death and hopefully will to help...One has proven she is and always has been in my corner no matter what she’s going through. And the other has proven that she is definitely unreliable and won’t be there for me no matter how hard I try for her. The first one... She is the strongest person ever and she will get through my death. She will. She’s been through worse. The second one won’t care even in the slightest or even notice. I’m pretty sure she’d be relieved and happy, tbh. Lol. She’d be out there thinkin’ “FINALLY, DAMN” lolololol. I know I would be. Like, I know I WILL be when I finally do it and get to move on to the next plane of existence and get those brief moments as an infant where you’re not able to speak or communicate in any way because you have all your memories from your past life? Yeah. I’m gonna be fucking throwing a party in whatever form of a crib or bed type thing my new planet and new species has. I hope to fuck my new species is a lot more peaceful than this one. And I hope they’re more advanced and more intelligent. I guess that depends on my karma and I have no clue where my karma is at right now tbh coz I’ve done so many EXTREMELY horrible things in my life, but I’ve also done almost the exact same amount of EXTREMELY amazingly genuinely GOOD things in my life at this point that it practically balances it out to 0 so I’m just all [shruggy emoji] on whether the omnipotent fate aliens would demote or promote me during reincarnation. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Man. Tomorrow may just kill me. Hell, if I don’t kill myself before I start the drive tomorrow, I have 2 1/2 hours of driving to think about killing myself every single goddamn second during the drive there...and if, for some weird reason, I don’t have my dog on the way home...... I will have another 2 1/2 hours to think every single second about killing myself. And how the fuck easy would it be to do on Blood Mountain? I’m p sure my car takes via the route that goes over Blood Mountain. People die on Blood Mountain just driving normally.... All I gotta do is push the limits a little. Not hard to die on Blood Mountain...lmao. Not hard AT ALL. I hope my GPS takes me that way coz that’s when I start recognizing where I am and know I’m getting SORT OF close-ish I guess??? and then that idea of suicide just sounds WAY better so...not a bad idea to take a BUNCH of pills in the town right BEFORE blood mountain and then speed through it when I can’t feel my fucking feet on the pedals and am nodding off at the wheel so that I drive my car right through a guard rail or over the side of the cliff OR right into the rock wall. Yep. That sounds p fucking fantastic. Ugh. I have the worst ideas regarding car deaths and I can never do it coz I don’t wanna total my car.... Lmao. The only thing that stops me from doing it is coz I don’t wanna total my car and being a med student, my mind goes through the entire list of “what COULD happen” and how slow of a death if no one finds me and this and that and calculations and blah blah blah and palatalization and amputations and blah blah BLAH and ruining dreams for if I am FORCED into living and BLAH BLAH BLAH and car suicide is the absolute WORST idea for someone who NEEDS a bright, fast, chaotic, able-bodied future if they are forced to live omg lmao BUT....I mean, I have so many other methods in my head that I know practically all the things and I’ve tried so many ways now that I just know what I can and can’t handle and I think tomorrow is gonna be the make or break. But having Echo in the car with me after being broken..........will force me to stay alive. Which will suck so badly. But I will have to also compartmentalize all my pain and my negativity so that he’s not even MORE stressed out than by all the commotion of the situation and then by this crazy car ride and by most likely throwing up in the car.

ERGH.

I need to stop thinking about this and distract myself but I also need to rest my joints so I guess I’m gonna watch a documentary.... something nice and calming but also stimulating... I just wish people didn’t talk so monotone when narrating documentaries. Especially when it’s about the supernatural and extraterrestrials and government experiments and stuff. Like COME ON, NARRATORS. GET EXCITED. GET INTO IT! FOR FUCKS SAKE, THERE’S A REASON PEOPLE GET PUT TO SLEEP BY DOCUMENTARIES AND IT’S NOT THE DOCUMENTARY....IT’S YOU! THE NARRATOR! YOU’RE THE ISSUE. GET INVOLVED. GET HYPED ABOUT THE INFORMATION! GET PASSIONATE. FOR FUCKS SAKE, IT’S COOL STUFF. FUCKING ACT LIKE IT, YA DAMN MONOTONE, ROBOTIC NIMROD. Ergh. Someone needs to sign me up to narrate a documentary. I used to speak at public rallies about puppy mills all over my county to educate the masses during high school because I was enraged about it and TRUST ME when YOU’RE having FUN WITH IT or ENRAGED BY IT or THINK THE INFORMATION IS COOL and REALLY GET INTO IT...........SO WILL YOUR AUDIENCE. It’s not the information that’s boring. It’s not the documentary that’s boring. It’s not the subject material. IT’S THE NARRATOR. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ME JUST LET ME DO THEIR DAMN JOB CORRECTLY SO I CAN SHOW THEM HOW TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS SO THEY CAN LEARN. FUCK.

dfkhdglskagjdshlkg Omg.

No okay now I’m gonna get angry at a documentary narrator for not doing their job correctly. Lmao. Gotta watch something uh.... Passionate. I guess. But that doesn’t require too much focus. But doesn’t numb my mind. Star Trek. I always default to Star Trek. Jfc. I guess I’mma pop on some Weyoun heavy episodes while I wait for the “all clear” on my joint timer thing so I can get up and exercise and do some fucking research and maybe pleasure-read for a bit before more joint resting because long drives and lots of heavy lifting is a big no-no and I’m not supposed to but things aren’t gonna pack themselves. Things aren’t gonna sort themselves?? LIKE??? Fuck it’s gonna be SO hard leaving majority of my material possessions that have so much personal value to me. :/ Argh. I don’t even have the ability to take them in order to sell them. I don’t even have that kind of strength or time. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

EDS is a fucking bitch, man. Fucking BITCH. T-Therapy better fucking cure EDS. Like. They’re all on board with it. 4 of my specialists are. And I’m meeting with my HRT doc next week. This coming week. So.... we’ll see. She cordoned off 2 appointments for me for all the things. Sigh. 

Oh right. Yes. Joint rest.

I’m bad at this. I hate resting. I really do. I hate being stationary. I hate not being able to do stuff. I HATE THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EDS is a fucking killer for people with former suicidal depression who had had it all their life and it had apparently been fixed by meds and now suddenly it’s back like WOW fuck EDS. Ugh. And I’m getting all these phone calls from my docs as my tests come back telling me I need to change my diet to avoid this and that and change this and that like whole HUGE lifestyle changes but adding “We’ll go over the full thing at our next appointment, but I STRONGLY ADVISE...” I’m like, “Well bitch as long as you tell me it’s just advise and not a MUST, I want a damn biscuit okay. Fuck your no gluten.” But then again, I have a stomach ulcer so I can’t really eat ANYTHING right now so wah. [whines]

FUCK. KILLIAN. LIE DOWN. STOP TYPING. I NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING WHACK ME WITH A FUCKING RULER OR SOMETHING LIKE THE NUNS USED TO DO IN MY PRIVATE, CATHOLIC SCHOOL. LMAO.

[stops now...for real this time...but reluctantly and rather bitterly]

[i-want-my-iwtv]

Is it just me, or are most people in the VC fandom women? (Not saying I mind, I'm just legit curious if and why.)

(Reminder: I am/was not a gender studies major, nor a student of fandom. This is just an entertainment blog and all that follows is my opinion only.)

This is a highly sensitive topic that people study academically for many fandoms, and I will hardly do it justice here. But I felt it was important to share what I can, anyway. Some links are under the cut for further reading about this topic, even though they do not apply to VC fandom specifically.

The short answer is that, from my experience, yes, most ppl in the VC fandom seem to be women. This is based on the past 20 years of AR’s booksignings I’ve attended, online communities, interviews/articles over the years, AR’s FB (her own posts + comments from her People of the Page), and AR’s Twitter. However, I would add that she absolutely does have fans who are men, NB, agender, genderqueer, transgender, etc. It would be difficult to do a thorough demographic study of all of her fans (current/past/specific time period(s)/etc.), so I wouldn’t know what portion of the fanbase is made up of women.

Let’s take a brief look at our superfan from movie!IWTV:

^What is superfan thinking? Does she think Santiago is a REAL VAMPIRE? Does she want to die? … or, is she simply a groupie of that media and enjoying it as a fantasy situation? We don’t get her backstory in the movie, so we may never know.

^Santiago has had to deal with hecklers and admirers for years so he’s not really fazed by her disrupting his show, and when he shuts her offer down, it draws a laugh from the audience. Laugh at the fan who confessed her love for the fantasy of it all and offered herself as tribute. 

Before we specify why women are in VC fandom, one thing to consider is What is fandom? In my opinion, it’s a group of people who are drawn to a shared space bc of a shared interest in specific media. Within that, you still have to reach out to individuals in order to become friends. You don’t necessarily have to agree on every aspect of the media you each enjoy, but having chemistry certainly helps. Participating in fandom can also mean creating/consuming fanworks without having any personal connection with other fans. Sometimes it’s just in posting fic and/or leaving kudos. Some join a skype chat group so that they focus primarily on their personal connections with other fans. It’s a wide spectrum and there are different ways to engage with other fans within a fandom.

Why VC fandom? We all have our reasons for being in VC fandom. I would prefer not to speak for other fans as to their reasons, but everyone is welcome to respond in the comments/reblogs of this post, or message me on/off anon, and I might gather up those responses and add them to this post. 

Why I was drawn to VC: Personally, I’m a woman, and I’m in this fandom bc the canon/fanon is intellectually stimulating to me. I’ve made some of my best friends here. We share a love for these characters and we discuss them at length. This does not mean we 100% support everything the characters do in canon. We enjoy them as fictional characters, not necessarily as role models.

Secondly… I had posted a personal account about my reasons for being into VC canon, but later deleted that post bc I was informed that my reasons weren’t acceptable. That VC was not for straight women. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ll briefly tell you my reasons for being attached to VC, under the cut. 

Brief historical context:

These books are/were written by a straight white woman, and she’s always advised her fans to “write the book you want to read.” She currently writes for herself, presumably, as she does not use an editor in the traditional sense. She began VC in the early 1970s with the short story, “The Master of Rampling Gate” (which eventually became the full novel IWTV). The short story was published in Redbook magazine at the time, which is/was a magazine for women, and the short story was written in the vein (pun intended!) of the older gothic romance novels that were extremely popular in the ‘60s. 

^In fact, this edition of IWTV is straight-baiting, as the only female love interest that Louis might have gotten into that physical position with would be Babette, and that… definitely doesn’t happen.

IWTV is a dissection of Louis’ feelings, and Louis was a stand-in for Anne herself. VC in general has a lot of emotion, both in the dialogue, and the introspection woven into the narrative itself. The fact that these books are mostly written from the 1st person perspective is a very intimate means of communication to the reader, and makes the novels that much more emotionally rich. Some might say that such emotional writing tends to appeal to women.

The books are intimate. There is a constant thread of intimacy throughout which seems to appeal to women of all sexual orientations, in my opinion. I started the series with IWTV when I was 11 yrs old and I’ve heard from other fans of other genders that they also started VC when they were young, even around the age that I did. Being right before puberty, maybe that adds some extra addictive quality to it, that it explores a kind of intimacy when we’re in the phase of life where we’re just becoming interested in sexuality. I remember mooning over pics of Brad Pitt in my table group at lunch, and we would talk about him, but I doubt any of us would have wanted to actually kiss him at the time, we just wanted to speculate about dating and romance!

After the first book, the intimacy continues with TVL, where we get Lestat’s backstory, and as the series progresses, it just keeps going. Whichever book new VC fans enter the series, they’re going to hit that vein, more or less. It’s not as strong in the most current books, but it’s still there. I would say that AR found that the way she wrote the first 2 books was so well-received that she felt validated in her style of writing, that it was appealing to her readers, and continued to produce it.

There’s also quite a lot of wealthporn, where the characters describe their expensive clothes, jewelry, or lavish surroundings, none of them have to hold a dayjob or anything menial like that. Since many of us do not currently enjoy such luxuries of material goods and/or freedom of leisure time, it’s another element that might make it appealing to certain demographics. There’s a ton of wish fulfillment in the books. 

Hit the jump for a little more.

My reasons for being into VC

Basically, I was bullied when I was 11 (for having a bad fashion sense and bad teeth), which is right around the time that someone gave me a copy of IWTV. I had always loved horror novels and scary stories as a way to study monsters and see if I could unpack them and better understand them. I drew inspiration from the way the VC characters handled their own obstacles, I loved getting Lestat’s backstory, he was not just a colorful antagonist, he had his own reasons for acting the way he did. Reasons are not EXCUSES, but in understanding monstrous behavior, we can equip ourselves to weather it when we see it in real life. Eventually, I got braces, grew out of my 90′s grunge phase, and while the bullies changed form over time, I learned how to deal with them. 

Could I have drawn inspiration from other books/movies/music? Yes! And I did. But VC, for the intimacy of the stories, for the vibrancy of the characters, for so many reasons that I can’t go into on a post I’m trying to keep brief… this is a piece of media that I’ve held onto over the years. Not the only one, but certainly the main one, for me.

A few good posts to check out re: women in fandom:

And I don’t mean to attack you, Anon, but these posts are written with a tone because there is so much criticism of what women in fandom are not allowed to enjoy. Please read at your own risk, but they have some very good points about why women might be into certain things in fandom.

a comprehensive guide to mlm shipping habits in transformative fandom

THE DEPTHS OF MISOGYNY THIS PLACE PLUMBS

villain-relatable marginalization 

[trubilee]

7 min freewrite prayer (5.15.20)

last night was rough.  i htink i had this one long vivid dream bc right before, i finished spending 1 hour+ torturing paul with my long account of what happened 10 years ago between me and this one college friend-turned-enemy who to this day represents the source of so much of the insecurity that in some years i don’t even recognize and in other years are still so deeply in me it feels like i’m just cloistered by it, this thick heavy blanket of shame that drapes over me like a shadow <?>  i don’t even know.  i was actually tempted to write an entire personal piece about his one friend who 12 years later gets so under my skin, but a few lines after i started typing notes i decided not to bc i thought, i don’t want to give this guy more importance than is actually merited.  i do not want to memorialize him in any way when he was such a small sliver of a sliver of my story.  it felt not right to do that, as though he were some figure who touched my life (whether good or bad) or something, who my narrative has to account for in any way.  that guy, yes, the only friend where i felt compelled to block his posts from my FB feed bc i felt so scorned and diminished and mocked and weirdly betrayed by him at the demise of our friendship.  bc he was original, and he was funny, and he was a great friend to those he cared about (which included me, and i had priority even, especially when he liked me--”no, i ...  really liked you,” he had clarified when confessing awkwardly in my dorm room-- and even after i started dating his best friend, but ending a couple years later around the time when his best friend and i broke up), and he was good at adoring and worshiping and describing you in the most thrilling and endearing of terms.  and he called things years before they ever became cool.  he was always, always calling things that nobody had ever heard of, and i mostly thought he was just making stuff up, but on average i’d say that in 9 out of 10 callouts he was onto something years before it ended up on the more mainstream culture websites and art shoutouts.  he had strong opinions.  strong judgments.  insults that were as harsh as they were precise.  he was selectively principled.

but he was also petty, and even though he was good at worshiping and groveling and being pride-less if he liked you romantically or wanted to be your friend, he was also so spiteful and bitter and vengeful even if you slighted him in some way that got to him.  and as hilarious as his social and psychological experiments (esp. on the girls he liked) were, he was manipulative and wholly un-honorable about persuading girls with boyfriends or girls who were vulnerable from having broken up with their boyfriends.  

and above all, he fronted.  he fronted so hard.  he would have moments and moments of being totally vulnerable and borderling aegyo-ish and tender and dear.  but everythign he said and did was mostly characterized by all his fronting.  endless name dropping.  the hustling to get this person to come here and that person too and oh just let me know if you want X’s from this company or this artist or this hip hop group because i know someone there and i can get you X and Y.  H used to do the best impression of him on the side, and i still snicker when i think of it now:  “yo i know someone at seven jeans, just let me know and i can get you stuff from there.  seven jeans, true religion...”  (keep in mind these were hot brands at the time.)  it was nonstop.  the hustling and fronting and name dropping to the point where i was just repulsed by him sometimes.  (and so was, i imagine, the beautiful girl who he finally dated and who dumped him and seemed to have significantly broken him for all of senior year.)

anyway, now it appears that he is in fact very successful and semi-famous in his own right and extremely well-connected in exactly the thing he set out to do from the first time i met him.  he knows celebs and global designers / artists, writers, and culture makers up and across the highest and coolest of brows in the city.  this guy who i feel like ended up hating me and everything he thought (whether he was right or wrong or a mixture of both) i stood for.  and as i was telling paul, bc he hates me and looks down on me, all his friends--the celebs and designers / artists, writers, culture makers, the art-politics-culture creatives leading the way from where they stand--they hate me and look down on me too.  and “i’m such a loser, paul...”  lol.   

i dunno, maybe i do need to write about this after all lol.

i dreamed that i was at...  a house gathering of some sort, like a cozy non-rushed one, and for some reason my the an ex S was there, and so was the girl E who he sort of in a way left me for and even jumped right onto a long engagement-bound relationship with, like a frog hopping off one lilypad to another (sort of a strange pleasant way of characterizing what at the time felt like being shat on and then flushed down a toilet and then dragged out the street gutter and back into another nearby ditch to rot).  that side story and side ending aside, in my (stupid, to the point where i wonder if it’s even worth writing about) dream i ended up somehow sitting with her, sitting RIGHT with her, and weirdly telling her all these things i had thought all these years and said to her in my head.  this girl i had never met but who haunted so many of my thoughts.  i guess i felt really comfortable talking with her because the S thing does not bother me anymore, i don’t flinch or even twitch inside at that sort of thought.  it’s more his friend / my former friend (see above...) that i still have baggage about.  and anyway as i was sitting with E i told her how those 2 years were really hard for me.  how when i saw her and who she was, i felt so inferior and small at the time, because i could totally see why someone in S’s shoes would fall in love with her, because i would too.  and i even sort of asked out loud, that i wondered why she had to come in the way she did, come onto him if she knew he was dating someone--i asked her this as if we were friends or something, as if she owed me anythign at all.  and in my dream i remembered that E had actually broken off her engagement with S (a fact which, when i found out about it years ago, had brought me much vindication and glee).  and she actually sheepishly told me she’d gotten a face transplant (it was like a portion of her cheek or something, so nothing cosmetic-affecting) and S had gone with her to the operation--meaning S had made the sacrifice of transplanting his own cheek into hers.  and she realized through that whole operation and him supporting her no matter what episode that she did in fact love him and want to marry him after all.  and when i heard that something in me sort of fell as i looked at her and then over several feet away at him, and i didn’t feel like i was her friend any more and i had to fake it after that, uncomfortably act unfazed by their reunion, and i was trying to think of how i could leave the party, until i woke up.